4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
