Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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