Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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