So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
