Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
