Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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