Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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