i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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