The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
