I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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