Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
