I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
