When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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