Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
