I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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