I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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