god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
