Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
