for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
