i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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