I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
