I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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