My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
