So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
