look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
