I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
