We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
