Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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