I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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