is your mom at the bar?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
