remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
