On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
