I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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