After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
