My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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