your parents love me but you hate me
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
