So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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