Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
