Where is the hickey?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
