i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
