i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
