Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
