Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
