Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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