You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
