wanna go halves on a baby?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
