i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
