I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
