I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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