we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
