Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
