the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
